Crossings of the River Thames 4 - Teddington Lock Footbridge

For me, Teddington has to be one of the more fascinating parts of the river. Teddington itself has nothing much to offer the human species, apart from the fact that it is a nice enough suburb. But the river as it flows past Teddington is fantastic. Not so much for its charm or beauty, although it is a lovely spot, but for what it actually is.



But to the bridge first. It is a simple footbridge that links the merry suburb of Teddington with the less glamorous suburb of Ham on the 'South Bank'. Although as the river curves at this point Ham is actually on the eastern side of the river and Teddington is on its western side. For all keep fitters this is a great place to jog or cycle. This part of London is particularly lush and especially on the Ham side of the river there is parkland to enjoy as well as being close to Richmond Park. Oh, the joys of cycling along the Thames! Oh, happy memories! I must admit, getting to these crossings is half the fun and if you're a mudlover such as myself, then you will love the dirty, unpaved river bank that follows this lazy river towards the sea.



Except one thing. We have already reached the sea. Yep, from here on in we are no longer following a river but in fact we are now happily skipping along the coast, as defined by the Ordinance Survey. So get out your deckchairs and bathing suits as this is where the seaside fun begins.

You can call this part of the Thames the sea, a creek, an inlet or an estuary, but from here on eastward, this is the most famous part of 'The River'. Irony.

Teddington Lock itself is just slightly upstream from the footbridge. And when the lock is in full blast, it makes an amazing sound. A wall of water belching out from the upper reaches of the river towards the sea. I have been to far larger rivers but I am always impressed by the locks over the Thames and Teddington being the biggest of the lot impresses me the most. Size matters.



So this is the dividing line. The border. Artificially inserted. For the lock holds back the tide and so also holds back the influence of the PLA. If there was any denial of London's haphazard local government, the management of The River has to be a start. With rising sea levels, the tidal head would be a lot further upstream, possibly as far as Chertsey. But for now the imposing locks at Teddington keeps the tide at bay. And this is also the border between 'Plastic London' and 'Real London'. The classic poses of The Capital begin here. It gets a little less posh, a little bit more grimy and a lot more funky. Well actually, the river is still quite pleasant for the next few miles, but head 'inland' from the Tidal Thames and you get to see a little more in the way of 'Dutty London'.

But for now, you can enjoy life on the beach.




Getting there:

Bus routes 281, 285 and R68 all pass a stone's throw from the lock on the 'Northbank'. Route 371 passes a short walk away on the 'Southbank.

Nearest stations are Kingston and Hampton Wick (National Rail).

Crossings of the River Thames - Continued

It has been a long time, but do not worry, I have not forgotten about my own little series about the Crossings of the Thames. In fact, it has been a very busy month and I wanted to do the next crossing, Teddington Lock, some justice, which is why I have delayed and delayed until the right moment to give it my fullest attention. To re-cap, and to re-edit the crossings of The River within London are (from west to east):

Hampton Ferry
Hampton Court Bridge
Kingston Bridge
Teddington Lock
Ham Ferry
Richmond Bridge
Twickenham Bridge
Richmond Lock
Kew Bridge
Chiswick Bridge
Barnes Railway Bridge
Hammersmith Bridge
Putney Bridge
Fulham Railway Bridge
Wandsworth Bridge
Battersea Bridge
Albert Bridge
Chelsea Bridge
Vauxhall Bridge
Lambeth Bridge
Westminster Bridge
Hungerford Bridge
Waterloo Bridge
Blackfriars Bridge
Millennium Bridge
Southwark Bridge
London Bridge
Tower Bridge
Rotherhithe Tunnel
Greenwich Foot Tunnel
Woolwich Ferry
Woolwich Foot Tunnel

(And that’s three ferries, three tunnels and twenty seven bridges to cross).

It’s a little re-edited from the original list and no doubt as I continue downstream I will discover more crossings, or scribble off those that have closed down to regular foot trade.

As I must reiterate, there is no Blackwalll Tunnel as this list only includes crossings that can be made by foot.

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It remains to be seen if I can actually make it all the way to Woolwich, but I am still committed to this list. At the rate of one crossing a month, I still have over two years to complete this odyssey through the heart of London. See you when I’m thirty?

Voices...

Go away, your voice annoys me! Shut up, your voice is bloody annoying! I hear it, in my head, everywhere! Go away, leave me alone! I hear you, never ending! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Why do you haunt me, I already heard you once! Go away you annoying person! Leave me alone! Couldn't you hear me the first time, no I will not repeat myself. Shut it! You vicious person, never ending with you stuipid voice! I hate it, shut up!

kiss, kiss - bang, bang

Would I have it any other way? Probably not. Would I have chosen a different method? Probably. SHould I still be doing this? Definitely not? Will I listen to common sense? No.

Some of the questions that flow around the cesspit of my mind on a daily basis. Personallly, I blame the vast quantities of cider that I drank when I was younger and more suburban.

---

Waking up in the morning/Feeling the Twitches/Raiding the Off Licence/Pissing in your trousers.

Then drinking 'Cider' on Ice. Cider, as good as it gets...

---

kiss, kiss - get over it!

All right. It's Saturday. The first of two days of rest and relaxation. Or not. In fact, the weekends have never been relaxing for me. You get to a certain stage in your life when you officially take those weekends off. You do go to the park to chill out with cider, you do go off to museums or other fancy places, you relax.

As I have said before, I am not normal. I don't do this king of thing.

But then again, get over it 'El Director'! You've chosen this, so deal with it!

(El Director sighs).

If there is one thing that lousy Friday nights have taught me, it is that there is only so much you can drink before it gets a bit samey. Yeah, it's fun to chill and party but if you've been doing it since 16 (pah, 18?) then after a decade or so it is all the same. Boring.

(Incidentally, I haven't experienced the 'fresh air' of the non-smoking pub, yet).

But I really do have to get out more. And not just to the post office. All work and no play makes 'El' a very dull boy, and so there is a lot less to write about. Still, at least my ideas aren't limited to a bunch of guys in the pub/club or for something a bit more refined, the coffee bar.


No, if there is one thing Fridays have taught me, it is this.

Cider is really crap.

kiss, kiss - its friday!

(I had a little help on this one)


Just think, tonight is Friday night. Woo-hoo. Drinks at the bar, a lady in each hand and wriggling your hips and boogie-ing away until a dawn a little less ordinary and a palette a little less moist...

---

I am not normal. This is quite clear (especially to those who know me). While the rest of the world, tonight, will be off and celebrating at the bar, I will lock myself up in my home in order to burn countless DVD’s to send to various film festivals and agents etc. Later on in the night I will meet up with some family in order to discuss ‘business possibilities’ before rolling into bed and getting ready for work on Saturday morning.

While it may seem that I had a youth mis-spent on the joys of drinking cider in Worcester Park, the fact is that my ‘fun’ was really in fits and bursts. There were reasons for this, but the fact is that I always noticed that everyone else around me was having more fun than me, getting better grades than me and eventually getting paid more than me. I actually spent most of my time faffing away, spending far too much time on computers playing video games and occasionally writing pap. In essence, while guys I knew were getting lucky and panicking over slipped condoms, I was writing stories about fairy tale characters and people I saw on the street while sitting on the bus.

As I said, I am definitely not anything quite like normal.

It seems I am not as alone as I first thought. There are a few people like me. People who wish to go beyond the normal so they can be a little more than...well, more than Friday night. But is it good for us to spend all those Friday nights cooped up inside our little hovels, only seeing the light of day for mcwork?

It’s hard. It’s been a long day and writing this kind of a post is tricky. At times leading a life where you are attempting something so ridiculous can be inspiring and refreshing, especially when you believe that there is a hope in what you do and maybe, just maybe in a few years time, all the funk will be yours. Flip the coin though and you think, can I do it? Am I able to achieve? Or should I quit now and try something sensible, something more lucrative and something that would actually give me a Friday night.

Maybe if I had his brain I could have done something by now. But unfortunately I spent too much time here and now I am playing catch up. Well, maybe one day all that dreaming and all that wandering around might actually pay off. But to those out there enjoying their Friday night, I salute you and will tell you one thing.

Cider is crap.

Pop, pop, pop...

It came in the post, this morning. A spindle of DVD's, manufactured in Japan to the highest standards that a 'professional' like myself could want. One hundred, a ton, a century of blank DVD's. Unadulterated by a matt finish. Just one side of dye the other, a shiny metallic finish on which a 'sharpie' can be used to inscribe the precious text, © Babarouge...

But the best thing about this spindle of joy? The bubble wrap that enclosed it all. Ah, the fun you can have with bubble wrap!

Morning Tinkle

You lie in bed, awake. The sunlight drifting through the window. You hear the traffic passing outside, the sound numbed by the cheap double glazing. You turn, a feeling that has begun at the base off your abdomen has spread throughout the body. You try to ignore it. You realise you need more than just four hours sleep.

You drift in and out of consciousness. Dreams of the night before, memories from the past and the plain weird drift into your mind. You strain your eyes close, you think, just five more minutes. But it is no use, the body takes over.

You stumble out of bed. Blinded by sleep and short sightedness. You arrive at the door of the convinience. And you turn the handle.

'Oi, p**s off! I'm having a dump!'

And you realised, you got out of bed for nothing,

Film Festival Success!

It's early days yet, but CWP's specially made short for the film festival circuit has had it's first taste of success right in the heart of Sunny Poplar, the home of all milky fun!

We'll be having our world-wide preview of the short 'What Really Happened at The Bus Stop' at the Canary Wharf Film Festival in East London in Mid-September. Details will be announced shortly, but I hope to see you all there with plenty of milk and giggles.

I like you...

Cider - As good as it gets?

Driving around London recently I have been seeing adverts for a certain cider brand. I will not grace them with free link, but suffice to say that if you go out on a regular basis than you know what I am talking about. A poster with a bunch of 'hip, young, thangs' in a bar somewhere laughing, drinking cider with a 'catchy' slogan along the lines of:

'Cool mates/ wonderful bar/ fantastic company/ Cider on Ice'.

Great imagination. Could have only beenn though by a bunch of advertising agents (you'll appreciate this only by the 7th minute).

I am not a cider fan. I am a light-weight anyways, but cider has never been a tipple of mine. Not since I was fourteen and had an unpleasant experience with the sweet stuff in a recreation ground in Worcester Park. You see, we were just before the 'Hooch Generation' and so to experiment on drink and to avoid vomit, cider was the most palatable thing to our young tastebuds.

Which is all the more surprising why cider is seeing a rise in popularity today. Guys, have you actually tasted it? It may have become a fashionable thing to drink, but doesn't the memory of spew in parks spring to mind?

Back to the poster. You see a bunch of young, pretty, thangs drinking cider. Trying to look fashionable. Fact of the matter, I've seen you guys on a Friday night. You ain't pretty, you're looks are fading fast and the smell of cider on your breath puts you in the same league as the pikeys on the street corner.

Mmm, that reek of cider...

Look up in the sky...

While cycling back last night I noticed a fair few meteors streaking across the sky. I haven't seen them since I was in Xinjiang, around three years ago. It's something about the urban night sky that we really don't get to notice a lot is the beauty of it all.

There is nothing like gazing up at the stars and actually seeing the shapes of constellations come into focus. I many nights in different locations just gazing up at the night sky and watch it slowly roll away as the night progresses. It's reallly wierd when you doze off and wake up so seeing the stars jump in their positions.

It is one of the advantages of working such ridiculous hors. To see the world in a very different way from the rest of the city. So try it, look up tomorrow night. You might begin to enjoy it.

Caution Wet Paint and the Kung Fu Pizza Guys!

I have been looking forward to this CWP since I first came up with the idea! Out of all the adventures with Jay and Kay, this is probably my favourite one. Enjoy!

On the side of my bus is...

It's that time of the month again, when I take a look at the adverts on the sides of the buses in London.

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It has been a dull month for adverts. And not one campaign has dominated the double deckers. They seem as individual as the drivers that poodle across London. But a few have sprung to mind in July as slightly memorable adverts for unmemorable products. Of course, Harry Potter 5, Die Hard and The Simpsons have shown that summer iis here but I'm not biting. Spiderman 3 stung me too badly as well as last year's dire cinematic offerings.

So, what else has tried to convince me to part the cash in my wallet from my own wallet? Well, banks for one. Lots of them. Insurance, a few of them and deoderant companies. The recent spate of sunshine has meant optimism for certain cosmetic companies and hope from the fellow commuters that the big smelly guy decided to use some this morning.

---

It's been a long night.

???

Ah, um, er...

Yeah, erm, see, well...

Right, so, okay, well, I was...

---

It isn't easy thinking of something new to write on a daily basis.

Retiring from The Firm

I thought I would give it a few weeks until I wrote this one.

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Radio TfL keeps us company 24 hours a day, 364 days a year (we still shut down for Xmas) with tales of woe, joy and amusement to keep us buses merrily on the road.

So, it came as a surprise last month when 'Steve' announced himself on the radio. We don't know the names of the ladies and gentlemen who run the broadcasts of London's transport network, so I pricked up my ears when he did announce his name, and so splashing someone in the process (ah, how I miss the monsoon).

It was his retirement from the job that he was announcing. Yep, 'Steve' was leaving the airwaves for good and was going to enjoy a retirement feast of...well, whatever he has planned.

Radio TfL does keep us entertained. The panic strickened messages when on diversion to 'look out' for low bridges and trees. The usual messages every night about the 'Little Angels' of the capital and their joy in throwing 'missiles' at passing buses (why not at 4x4's?). And tonight a classic. One of the support vehicles from a South London garage had been stolen, and the guys at Radio TfL were asking the drivers to 'have a look out' for both the van and the thieves.

Well 'Steve' it was also a pleasure working with you. You've done your best to keep us out of trouble and were there at the end of the line whenever we needed a 999 and a friendly voice. And thanks for keeping us smiling while driving through the streets of London.

The year so far...

On the 31st of December 2006, I was off and away playing video games at the science museum. I then went off to LA in January and the year was looking surprisungly optimistic. I had got over the worst of the chikungunya and was ready to face all the challenges of film making.

Eight months down the line, my first thought is 'eh?' Guys, where the hell has 2007 gone? It's less than five months until 2008 appears. I though 2006 was fast, but 2007 is hurtling away. And I don't feel I have achieved anything worthwhile this year. All right, so I have approached agents and grant bodies with scripts and proposals. I have had modest success over the internet with the CWP series. But what has been physically achieved this year.

Unfortunately the frustrating thing about film making is the seemingly stand-still aspect of the 'industry'. You can do so much and yet receive very little in terms of achievement, materially or otherwise. Annd you are dumbfounded with what to do next.

I have just had four days off. And where have they gone. It's not like I've been out for pleasure and in fact have packed in so much into these four days. But now going back to MC Monday Job, it just feels like 'eh?'

Well, roll on 2008!

Nayagan (Tamils and their Movies)

We Tamilians have a long cinamatic heritage and just like our more famous cousin in the North of India, we too churn out the films at a fantastic rate. We haven't yet gone down the snore path of the rest of the Indian film industry...

And we have some fantastic films from the past. Classics that barely get the recognition, the usual Tamil story. However, at least India aallows us to express ourselves and our culture, unlike the motherland. But enough politics (a hard thing when discussing Tamil movies) and off to our famed movies.

I remember first seeing Nayagan when in Sri Lanka. I only remember the first scene and then the rest I didn't see, probably because I was only eleven or so at the time. As I delved more and more into films I knew that this would have to be one of the top Tamil movies on my list. Of course, when your with family, you're going to watch only the latest hits on your pirated DVD's. Also, Nayagan is fairly hard to get in this country or on the net. Unless you wander round Tooting on a regular basis, then getting Tamil films to watch is a difficulty. But those who know me well know how much I love Jaffna upon Wandle so it is no problem for me to get a hold of these films.

Enough has been said about this classic so I will not delve into it. But by the end of this movie, I was touched. It is quite simply a beautiful story, set in the steamy metropolis of Bombay (Mumbai came along in the 1990's) and highlighting the story of one Tamil man and how life in contemporary India had affected him.

As a treat, enjoy the Holi festival from the film.

Finishing procrastination (7)

With so little time on my hands, it is natural that I would further procrastinate by making my own little series of videos to post on the net so thhat I could further enrich my procrastination time. There was the fun and frollics of Jay and Kay's first meeting at a throughly wet bus stop. In fact there are two versions of it but only one has been posted up on the net. Then there was the whole introduction to milk and all things funkily related to it.

But my favourite is still to come. As you can see, I like a good dance, I like a good laugh, but as of yet, Jay and Kay have not yet had a good fight. Yet..

Back to the procrastination (6)

I love a good song in a film. And although some of these 'tracks' may lay dubious title to the word 'song' (due to the lip-sync), I don't care. I love procrastinating by watching these babies.

What is the greatest musical ever to grace the silver screen? Such a debate will reverberate throughout the ages, but surely a contender must be the Lightning. What a great fifties throwback. Or maybe we should try something else from 1950's America! Such classics are a rare treat nowadays.

Of course, everyone knows what my Favbourite Things are. Some may be surprised to learn that I also enjoy trekking in the outback to get my thrills, but trust me, Priscilla is a great gal!

But may favourite song from a movie has to be from India. Fantastic song along with fantstic moves. Classic.

Ha, ha, you're procrastinating! (5)

Comdey is a personal and peculiar thing. What one person may find funny another will find absolutely boring. Making someone laugh is an art of refinement and language and is probably more difficult than any other type of film making.
So it was hard to share the clips that I find funny. I do have some obscure tastes. Nevertheless, I do procrastinate by watching these clips. Anything to avoid doing something useful.

There are thousands of comedy clips on the net. Take your pick and probably parts of your favourite film are on there. Who can forget the classic scene from Ghostbusters when Bill Murray launches into his attack on the Mayor in convincing him that only the four of them can save humanity as they know it. New York is also the location of another comedy clip. I know I my masculinity will be questioned for it but I liked Hitch, partly due to the comedy duo but mostly due to the fact that Eva Mendes appeared in it. Maybe I might catch 'Ghostrider'.

Oh, and I had to stick in a pure Motherf***er moment. Quality film.

But my favourite comedies and by extension comedy clips come from lands that do not speak English. The Miracle of P. Tinto and Black Cat White Cat. You'll only get the clips if you've watched the films. In the first one, the Commies were never so cool and in the second I wish I was as cool as this Old Timer.

This series of delay tactics will reappear on Friday.

Yey, legitimate procrastination (4)

There are two films that have brought me close to tears and to this day still make my eyes water at the thought of them. And they are Pather Panchali (the first part of the Apu trilogy) and Laputa.

I know, it's not manly to cry over the village people or even cartoons, but there you have it, the only two films that have touched me.

I won't tell you what parts are the tear jerking moments If you've watched them, you'll know.

Yey, legitimate procrastination! (3) - Fight!

All right, this is the one I've been looking forward to. I love a good fight as anyone who knows me will testify. And of course, like many other youtubers, I love to watch classic fight scenes from the movies that I love.

By far and away, the bulk of the coolest fight scenes come from the Far East. There is something about an East Asian fight that is just 'wow, wow, wow'. I suppose it is the lack of guns that make it so appealing. But I will start in America and cross the Pacific in my epic quest for the ultimate fight. How could we ever forget the classic fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon. Funky or what? But even though I start with a classic from Martial Arts, lets not forget some epics. Swords and Sandals, I loved this one from Gladiator. And here's one from a modern day arena to drool over.

Ah, so many fights, but what is my favourite? Well, yes, it is going to be from the Far East. And I haven't even given Rocky or Kill Bill a mention. Forgive me for forgetting them in my quest to reveal my happiest oggle moments.

From Japan, Zatoichi. I love this guy. Hard drinking, hard gambling and with funky hair.

From Thailand, Ong Bak. I love Tony Jaa and the very Earth he walks on should be scared. He doesn't use any wires or stuntmen or graphics, he is pure hard core.

From China, Crouching Tiger. Still amazing to watch and I love the fact that the best fighters in this film were the women.

But my favourite, and it has been a hard one to choose, comes from Korea. Enjoy the Oldboy.

Yey, legitimate procrastination! (2)

Dancing is essential in every movie. A little bit of music and a lot of funk makes anyone look good when they skip to the beat. I don't care how straight laced you are, a dance willl make the most miserable person tap their feet to the beat and will uplift any film. The classics such as Saturday Night Fever, Fame and Flashdance spring to mind as films that were a bit 'eh', but sod it the dancing made up for it.

But these are oldies, we're looking at least at a quarter of a century since these were made. Are there any fresh ones out there. Well, yes, plenty. Fans of French cinema must surely remember the wicked beats from Le Projects while people who love the wacky stuff have got to admire the moonboots on this guy. And I could watch this one all night long, wow, what a lady and what a dance.

However, my favourite dance scene comes from a film that you least expect. I don't know why, but I really like it. It may never go down as a classic, but man it is most definitely danceable!

Tossers

In fifty years time, these guys will be part of the greatest famine known to man. Will I feel sorry for them?

Yey, legitimate procrastination! (1)

While being a film maker, one of the things I love doing the most is looking at other trailers on the net. When getting started with the editing, I always cut a trailer, even if it is for a short. The main reason is that it is relatively easy to do, you get to see a lot of the footage and it is pretty much instant gratification

Some trailers ooze cool that make you wet yourself on just seeing them. Some bring back the sweet memories of your childhood. A lot of trailers are better than the films they represent. A few do not do the film they represent any justice. And a few are completely misleading (a shame as that last one was a great film).

But, I'm going to have to pick a favourite and so here it is. Possibly my favourite trailer, ever. It does everything a trailer should do and the film is wicked as well.

I want my MTV!

I got to admit that I am the king of procrastination. Hey, why do you think I actually write a blog. It isn't just for the fun of writing somethin g new and fresh everyday, but it is also a great way to delay doing something useful annd productive for your life (just when did blogging pay?) However, the real way to delay is youtube. Some people belive facebook is a way of wasting your life and it is true, to an extent. But how many times can you poke the same people until your finger hurts? Nah, my king of timewasting, apart from writing these posts, is youtube and all the other video sharing channels out there. I put enough of my own stuff on there. But also I like to watch other things too. It's like tv, but without the boring bits or adverts.

So for the next week, sit back and enjoy the clips I love to flick to, now and then.

'Summer' reveals all on the Charlie D. Show!

Charlie D.: And welcome back ladies and gentlemen. Today we have a couple who have reached a stalemate in their relationship. We have Summer from the south who has been missing from his home for the last three months. His wife, The Sun is going crazy wondering where he is. And here on The Charlie D. show, we're going to see if we can get the two back together again. So give it up for Summer!

Audience whoops as Summer comes from backstage. He grins to the audience.

Summer: Who da man! Who da man!

Audience whoops. Some girls do a strip tease in the front. The camera blurs their images in a vain attempt to censor their antics.

Audience: Go summer! Go summer!

Charlie D. looks bewiledered at the cooly dressed Summer who poses for the crowd before coming down to his seat.

Charlie D: So. Sumer. Just where have you been all this time.

Summer laughs.

Summer: Aw, Charlie, you know.
Charlie D: Well, your wife The Sun says you been missing for what, three months or so. So just what have you been getting upto?
Summer: Look man, I can't help it. You know, I guess I'm a sucker for the ladies. And La Nina is the sexiest lady of them all! I mean, I'm hooked!

Audience starts booing and hissing.

Summer: Come on, guys, you got to agree with me here, it's all about the Latin beat!
Charlie D: What, you telling me that British Girls just ain't good enough for you.

Audience really boos.

Summer: No man, I dig the chicks here. But you now, La Nina only pops round every few years, so you got to catch her when she's hot! But you know wherever there is fitness, I'm there. I mean, I dig Hungarian beanies. But South America, Mmm!

Men in audience cheer, but the women drown them out.

Charlie D: You know what, I think we got to see the fuller picture. Let's bring out your wife.
Summer: Oh S**t!
Charlie D: Yep, your wife has been backstage listening on. It's The Sun.

Music as The Sun comes out. Audience instantly puts on shades and starts cheering.

The Sun goes straight towards Summer and starts beating him.

Sun: You mother****er! You little bast**d! I been at home expecting you for nine f**king months and this is what I get! Some cheap harlot from the South Pacific. You motherf**er!

Sun takes off her shoe and repeatedly beats Summer.

Summer: But baby, ow!

Bouncer tries to calm The Sun down.

The Sun: Motherf**ker! I will kill you.

Bouncer eventually calms The Sun down as she sits down. She pulls her chair away from Summer.

Summer: Yo baby, calm down.

Charlie D looks on. He grins.

Charlie D: You know, I don't know if I should do this...

Charlie D sighs and looks at the audience.

Charlie D: Should I?
Audience: Go Charlie, go Charlie.
Charlie D: Sun, what would you like to do right now?
Sun: Charlie hon, I want to find that little b**ch, La Nina and slap her down for tussling with my man.
Charlie D: Well...
Audience: Go Charlie! Go Charlie!
Charlie D: All right, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for, La Nina!

Audience whoops as La Nina struts down the staircase. Funky beats rule in the background. La Nina struts in front of the audience. The Sun can no longer take it and grabs La Nina. They tussle and suddenly The Sun rips of La Nina's wig.

Sun: There you go Summer, there's your girl, just another little boy!
Summer: Oh s**t.
La Nina/El Nino: You know honey, I am more woman that you could ever be, and that is why I got your man!
Sun: You motherf**ker!

Sun grabs La Nina/El Nino and they begin to tussle. Summer looks on, shocked. Audience keeps whooping. The Bouncers lets the fight continue.

---

Charlie D: Well, at the end of the show, there are few words one can say. Let's all hope that during this uncomfortable time for all the participants involved that they can live together and hopefully bring a little ray of sunshine into all their lives. I'm Charlie D, and you've been watching The Charlie D. Show

'Thames liable to flood-

-ing!' Screamed the newspaper headline so I turned expecting to see parts of London on flood alert. It would have been the first I heard of it. Oops, of course not. London is perfectly safe (those words could haunt me in a couple of weeks), so why did a London based newspaper make me panic! I would have read it regardless.

Anyway, I looked on the map provided and found out that the Thames stretches all the way to somewhere near Bristol. Wow, some funky place named Gloucester. Look at these vast areas covered in blue. Well, as a Metropolitain, it hasn't affected Gatwick, Stanstead or Luton so I guess the country can't be in that bad a shape.

But you have to admire the Blitz Spirit that takes over HM's Subjects when a catastrophe hits the British people. It's a sign of community and strength that you have to admire; the charity and the restraint that 'we' show in the times of adversity is surely something that we could teach the rest of the world how we can deal with a disaster and still come out intact!

---
Nick. I wish she popped out of my cake.

living the dream

Last night while at work, I had a dream. It came to me through the air, wafting its fine sugary scent into my consciousness. And from there I realised that I wanted to live the fantasy, I wanted to live the dream! I wanted it all but especially I wanted it now. Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie is what I thought, let me at it! I want it all and I may well not say please. I will cross by-passes and flooded underpasses to get there and so finally fulfil a neon lit desire.

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This morning, after only four hours sleep, the idea of coffee and doughnuts repulses me.