Friday, 31 October 2008

Crossings of the River Thames 17: Albert Bridge

Never before have I been more excited on my journey throughout the great and good of London's River Crossings. Out of all the bridges, tunnels and ferries, this was the one I was most looking forward to. Albert Bridge is pretty, ludicrously so and has survived soldiers marching to war, the 1960's and even incontinent dogs. However, the ravages of the Chelsea Tractor are no guarantee to the survival of this crossing. Today in London, it is the weakest of all the road bridges and is the only bridge in the Capital, along with Twickenham that has no bus riding over it. Still being close to Battersea that does not matter and even more importantly, this is one beautiful crossing.

In fact, let me be blunt. My photos do absolutely no justice to Albert ridge. A cold night, a low battery and a lack of sleep, do not make for good photos. Get a tripod, take a long time and soak up the atmosphere. This is the first time that I will recommend a romantic walk or a moment together. Do it here! For day or night, this part of the River is beautiful, on either side of the water. If there is one thing to state about the Victorians, they took 'pretty' to the next level.

Opened in 1872, from the beginning it was more an ornament than a practical crossing, never generating enough from tolls to cover its costs. Today, to overcome the inbuilt defects, a support has been placed in the middle of the bridge as well as the severe restrictions on the traffic that can cross the bridge. It is inevitable that eventually this will become a pedestrian/cycle bridge. Take advantage of it while you can, but most importantly enjoy this fine old structure across the river, one of the oldest surviving structures over the river...

Getting there and Away:

Bus route 170 drops you off right on the North Bank, next to the old toll booths:

Otherwise, it is a few minutes walk from Battersea bridge and bus routes 19, 49, 319, 345, N19 and the N31.

One more thing out of interest. To date, this is the only bridge is London that I have seen, with its own phone booth. It is quite clear that Alert Bridge is the biggest delight so far...

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Twisted Knickers!

I know I have pretty much followed the CWP Blog this week, and that is simply as I wanted to get the maximum exposure for the videos and articles that have been coming out recently. Needless to say, tomorrow shall be two very different blogs.

Today, I however, I let Olivia take over:

Click here to watch La Producer's Vlog

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Vlogs Up (3)

Or it could be four. I am not too sure. Anyways, it has been a little while since my last contribution to VlogsUp and so it is time for another and also I wanted to do a reply to Barry so I rolled both into one vlog. Enjoy!

Watch Vlog by clicking HERE!

Monday, 27 October 2008

Rock, Paper, Milk!

Jay and Kay are back in an all new adventure, that was actually filmed in March. Only a seven month delay, but like a baby, there is something beautiful growing inside the womb of my computer. Honest.

Watch new Webisode by CLICKING HERE!

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Beat S.A.D.

Feeling S.A.D. now that the clocks have gone back? Well do not worry, help is at hand! There are many ways that you can beat the disorder that strikes the while of the UK from now until March when all will be well again!

So here are my top ten tips for keeping your sanity for the next five months:

1) Read the Caution Wet Paint Blog!

It will make you smile and is updated daily, just like this this one!

2) Make everyday a twenty-five hour day and set your clocks back for an hour at 1am everyday!

Soon, you will be on Honolulu time...yeah!

3) Cycle.

Or any exercise that gets you outdoors. It will make you feel more alive than a cup of coffee.

4) Eat Plov!

Or any other fatty food. It is winter, it is allowed as our bodies NEED the fat. But make sure that if you are going to eat big, then eat well, for example, plov instead of a cream bun.

5) Use a big fat light bulb in your room to make you 'feel' in the summer mood.

Alternatively, try to get out in your lunch break. The effort you make will make you feel far happier.

6) Take drugs.

All kinds. Booze, 'illegal' ones, anything. But make sure that you are continuously high throughout the winter otherwise you are in for one hell of a comedown. Of course, I must add that if you choose this route, then remember that you will not be able to drive legally.

7) Leave the country.

But go somewhere sunny, otherwise it defeats the purpose.

8) Sex.

This really should have been number one, but CWP is more important to me.

9) Shout

When was the last time you truly opened your mouth and swore at someone?

10) Be happy.

Smile. It will make you happy. And more attractive too!

Saturday, 25 October 2008


Advantages of the clocks going back:

An extra hour in bed!
An extra hour to party - and it's the last weekend of the month: payday!
An extra hour in the day to do what I want!

Disadvantages of the clocks going back:

An extra hour of working.
It is end of the month and so it is busier than normal.
An extra hour spent doing what I do not want to do.

Bye bye BST for another 5 months...

Friday, 24 October 2008

Solo Watching

Going to the cinema on your own is, well, weird. But it is something that I do regularly. I like all types of films and most of my friends just scratch their heads in bewilderment. Also, in my late twenties, I am unusual in that I still go to the cinema and not for the occasional flick. Again I was at the flicks tonight, from the suburbs to the centre just quick enough to see the film before heading back. There are good films, bad films and 'eh films'. Today was okay, not the greatest, but I am still glad I made the effort.

And one thing I always enjoy - the trailers before the main feature!

Thursday, 23 October 2008

This is CNN - and I am on it!

I have always wanted to say that, and I can! Ha, Caution Wet Paint's biggest coup to date, being featured on the CNN website, as part of a special report on film festivals in London.

I have been very fortunate as a film maker (and not the most talented one) to have gained a lot of support from people throughout the media world who have helped me to gain exposure, that goes far beyond anything that a small film maker such as myself can expect. Firstly, thank you to all of you. Through some of the darkest days of my own neuroses, you have more than just kept my hopes alive, you have spurred me to continue. I hope that I am a success in what I want to achieve, film wise, and I hope that you amongst many more enjoy what I continue to make. Let me say it one more time. Thank you. I am eternally grateful.

And yes, it is official! Although I do a lot of webisodes, I am in the process of organising a real shoot in HD this winter that will continue the cinematic adventures of Jay and Kay. Hopefully it will be released in early 2009 and the big hope is to get to the next level of film festivals and to continue to promote and make more films.

Our article on CNN - Click here!

And click here to DIGG us!

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Politicians, the US Presidential Election and how sad it all is.

The UK is a great country. For once I am not being cynical, but actually telling the truth. Go to many other parts of the world and you will find things are just not as nice as over here.

But, there are two very good reasons why I do slate the UK frequently. Firstly, the sheer amount of tax that I pay gives me that right. If I was not contributing, then I would shut up. But hell, I am forced to cough up a large proportion of my pay packet, so you bet I will complain. Secondly, the absolute muppets that lead this country are just asking for it.

This is one thing I appreciate about Britain. The ability to treat politicians with the contempt that they deserve. The fact that politics is openly known as a filthy trade and that all politicians, whatever their political hue are a bunch of wankers. When someone canvasses at your door step for a particular persuasion, they are treated with the respect that is normally meted out to Jehovah's Witnesses. Elections in this country are a tame, six week affair and even then, we just switch off.

Now contrast this with America - the land of the free. These guys actually believe that their politicians are close to immortality, such are the rallies and gatherings staged in front of the cameras. It would not be so bad, but we, outside the USA have continuous coverage of these gut retching events. It is the American's business, not mine if McCain or Obama win. I do not pay their taxes so I do not care. Life pretty much goes on the same for us, no matter who rules the White House.

In the UK, our healthy disregard for the political process is probably a class thing Politicians have traditionally been viewed as part of the aristocracy, the elite. That is what happens when you have a monarchy; you cannot get to the top of the grease pole and so from the outset, you know that it is a fixed system. In America, there is the belief that ordinary people can get to the top and become President. Ha! I am no big fan either way for the Royals, but having one less politician has its advantages. Yes, I am mildly in favour of the monarchy, in that it is preferable to having some grinning baby kisser trying to get me to put an 'X' in the box every few years.

Can you really imagine the flag waving and hoopla cheering behind Cameron or Brown? Please! I think it would be a choice between cringing or outbursts of laughter. Compare political conferences in the UK with the rallies in America. And the laughable thing is that the Americans also have a Vice President to care about. Whether or not we have a Deputy is up to the whim of the PM and thankfully, it is a spot that is not always filled.

Oh well, thankfully, this farcical process will be over in a few weeks and the news will be filled with something equally irrelevant but far more interesting than the pies that a particular candidate eats or the funny pictures of each guy.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

My Horoscope - Monkey

Apparently I am a monkey. Yes, as humans we are all descended from the same ancestor as apes (unless you are from Hicksville (USA), in which case the Garden of Eden is just east of Dagenham Docks). So as a Monkey, I have the following characteristics. I am Intelligent (good), but Opinionated (bad). Beautiful (?) but Superficial (what do you expect!). Charming yet Manipulative. Don't believe me, then the wiki has all the truths you can edit! Apparently the best hours in the day are between 3-5pm (is that GMT or Hong Kong time?) and I like cloves (actually I do).

However the monkey, while not as romantic as the Dragon or as funky as the Tiger, is meant to be quite a cool sign. After all, the USA and India are Monkey countries which means that this century and the next will be ruled by monkeys. Yeah! (oh dear)

All right, it gets more complicated. I am a metal monkey (chuckles mischievously at the thought of super powers that could be obtained from this combination). This is the strongest monkey and the strongest metal. Apparently this is a very good combination and that we should be masters of the universe. Apparently.

The past three 'paragraphs' might make me out to be some kind of cynic when it comes to being a monkey, and yes, I have to ask that if we are the supreme beings that Ancient Chinese mythology states, why is our generation, the guys and gals born 1980-1, such a bunch of losers. It is not as if we have changed the world (continue to pollute endlessly, continue to slash the rainforest and will generally leave the world in a worse state than we found it in), achieved in terms of fame (think of any great footballers/singers/writers/artists/scientists aged 27-8?). Any 'achievers' are either slightly older or younger, but it seems that 1980 was the year of the Brainless Monekys (if there is one link you must click in this post, make it this one). We still act as if we are sixteen (what else is driving the credit crunch), work in jobs we despise for a lifestyle that is merely an illusion with the best hope in life being a shot on FUB-Factor.

Wait a minute, this is meant to be a blog on the Year of the Monkey, not a piece of social commentary. Ooh, look what it says here...if I place an egg in the west, I will displace negative energy. Wow, life is great, and all it needs is a piece of battery farmed produce! Oh, wait a minute, what's this? Do not propose unless serious as the proposal will probably get accepted. Mmm, better keep my gob shut then.

Well, a monkey to add to my Gemini. As I look to the Heavens rather than to Earth for a meaning to life, tomorrow will obviously bring something new*.


(*Disclaimer: While it is true that tomorrow will bring something new, I myself cannot predict the future accurately enough to guarantee such a change. You might killed (odds on some w**ker in a 4x4 at a roundabout by the Thames will attempt knock you off your bicycle and you cannot brake because the rain has made your pads as useful as a c**k flavoured lollypop), stuck in a cycle of cause and effect (Groundhog Day) or just be very dull (anyone on the Northern Line between 7-8am, BST). In other words, life is in your hands. Oh dear...)

Monday, 20 October 2008

My Horoscope - Gemini

I am a Gemini. That means, the moment I popped out of the womb, the Sun, some three thousand years previously, was passing through the constellation of the twins.

This apparently makes me the person I am. Firstly, I am untrustworthy. Being the twins, we have a split personality (duality is the technical term); one minute kind, the next minute I will stab you in the back. Well, I suppose there are advantages!

Sorry, distracted. The rambling thoughts of a man who has two voices in his brain. Apparently. (Personally, I blame being left handed, rather than being a Gemini).

But enough, let us go for the positives. I can apparently multi-task well, I am charming and attention-loving. On the negative side, I am over-stimulated, insensitive and ego-orientated. To be honest, they are exactly the same characteristics for a person, what is the difference!

Well, that is what the wikivine tells me so I must believe in my positives and negatives.

Some may call me cynical and yes, I take the mumbo jumbo in the newspaper next to the cartoon strips with one, huge, blood pressure busting, cellar of salt. I think there is more to life than the vague words spouted out by a person wearing a cape. If so than this month had the greatest love of my life followed by unbelievable success in my professional life followed by a fateful meeting in an exotic locale. Again.

But I am glad I am a Gemini. We are an interesting part of the zodiac. We actually have flair and unlike something dull such as Aries (a bloody sheep!) or Virgo (giggles uncontrollably), everyone has heard of Gemini and once you meet us, you can never forget us.

Mmm...maybe there is something in that mumbo-jumbo after all...thank goodness for being born at the end of May. It gave my life a purpose, a meaning and of course a place in the zodiac that freaks out the other 11/12th's of the population.


Oh, and in other news, Kay decides to go to work. Kay not in the nude. One day, all of you will die. Yes, die...(no split personalities here!)

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Saturday, 18 October 2008

To Boldly Go...

It has been a Star Trek filled bonanza this week, taking a look at the stars and seeking out new babes where no man has gone before. A great moment of geeky indulgence for me, but a hemorrhaging for my readership. And so after looking at the most beddable characters from each series, I will give you my favourite episodes, a top five, one from each of the series.

(Note, these are just the stand-alone episodes, no two/three/ten Parters. I am also not including season premières or finales as they always have a mega budget attached to them. They may not be classics, but I liked them and it is a good measure of how the series is progressing, when you dip into the middle of it where it traditionally sags...)

5) ENT Civilization. I have not watched that much Enterprise to make a valid opinion, but I liked this episode, simply for all the hazards that the crew have to overcome in order to mingle on another planet, incognito.

4) VOY Blink of an Eye. Pure science fiction geekiness. Great fun!

3) TOS Space Seed. Many people may disagree, but it is not so much the episode itself, but the promise of what is to come that makes this a favourite of mine.

2) TNG Q Who. So many good episodes to choose from, and I must admit, it was a close run between this, Tapestry and Inner Light; but there is a reason why Q Who won through. Firstly, it is a Q episode and secondly, it introduces the fearsome Borg again, eventually setting up for something far more brilliant. But a tough one to chose from.

1) DS9 The Visitor. DS9 was much maligned by viewers, but by Series 3, it really got under way, providing a commentary on contemporary society that is still relevant today. 'The Visitor' is my favourite episode by far, and that is due to the fact that it is the least 'Star Trekesque' episode created. It is hard to believe that the Candyman appears in this episode, but Tony Todd as well as Cirroc Lofton and of course Avery Brooks give great performances and do justice to what is a great script and fantastic direction. There is a lot of warmth in this episode and it is due to moments like this that made DS9 the best series of the franchise. If there is one piece of Star Trek that you are going to watch (outside the movies) make it this one.


So that is it. Star Trek is over for another year, and next October, I will go back to the great beyond. So we are safe, for now, depending on how many Trek references I can squeeze into CWP.

Friday, 17 October 2008

To Boldly Go...The Hottest Babes on Star Trek, (ENT) Enterprise

So we arrive at the end, or should I say at the beginning. Before the Federation was a twinkle in the eye of the people of Earth, there were a band of space privateers setting out...somewhere. Now, everyone loves T'Pol and yeah, she's cute. Actually, she's stunning, but there is something about Vulcans I just do not like. Maybe after a bout of frenzied lovemaking, all they would say in the post-coital moments would be, 'that was adequate', or something just as uninspiring. As hot alien chicks go, yeah baby, but there was someone cuter on board.

Enter Hoshi Sato the linguist with flair. Well, actually, the 'real' Sato was as dull as ditchwater. All she did was struggle with the multitude of alien languages that were thrown at her. She never went out, she never had fun and was always at her post. No, the Sato that I most admired was in the mirror universe. Now here was a lady that any man would want. She had the same brains as in our universe, but she became Empress due to her personal coup d'etat. This was one lady that you wanted to mess about with. Fit and feisty (there is a pattern developing in this list), she had more than just looks, she had the personality to boot! Look guys, she killed and plotted and slept her way to the top; talk about your alpha female!

(News from the CWP blog).

Kuldip Dances Exquisitely.

Revisiting the Old Skool: Kung Fu Jay.

As for this blog, I promise, tomorrow is the last day of the Star Trek Posts for a year (oh well, there goes my remaining three readers).

Thursday, 16 October 2008

To Boldly Go...The Hottest Babes on Star Trek, (Voyager) VOY

Voyager. Lost halfway across the galaxy in the Delta Quadrant, and at its fastest speed, it would take 75 years to return back home. Perfect. A setting for the most exotic babes that imagination could pull out to grace the small screen. Think about it, exotic half machined individuals and short lived telepathic women. Yes, the two babes of Voyager were Kes and of course, the fantastic Seven of Nine. But for me, there was a much neglected lady in engineering, keeping the ship running and repairing the damage that Janeway always got them into.

The babe of VOY was B'Elanna Torres. Half Klingon, half Human and all Woman. I know Kes had that mild and demeanour look and Seven of Nine was simply a babe, but there was something about Torres that was just...grrr....

Look, being half human, she knew enough about us but more importantly, those ridges held back a fearsome lady who would tussle you until you were half dead. If there was anyone feistier than B'Elanna on board, then she was just not as beautiful. What more could a man travelling through the stars want from such a woman? Brains, beauty and brawn, B'Elanna had it all. I would have happily dumped my warp core anytime to give five minutes with an alien chick like her! Oh well, a man can dream...

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

To Boldly Go...The Hottest Babes on Star Trek, (Deep Space Nine) DS9

DS9 was the babe fest of Star Trek. The big difference was the amount of 'passing trade' that filtered through the space station on their way to through the wormhole and thankfully the locals were similar enough to humans to look exotic but also reassuringly familiar...

But let us go through the babes. First, there was the feisty Major Kira who exploded onto our screens in a minx like leotard and stuck it through right until the end. From being an uptight occupation lady, she became a warm and sensual lover, but then, she was with a shape shifter, and he can be shape or size he wants...

Then there were the two DAX's. First Jadzia. Woohoo! How could an Old Man turn out to be so alluring? And with seven or eight lifetimes of experience, you knew why she made Worf happy. We were heart broken when Jadzia died, but never mind. She was reborn as Ezri, cute, nuts and cute.

But for me, the babe of the space station was one of the 'guests'. The one and only Leeta!

Now, there were many obvious reasons why Leeta was top billing. After all, this was the definition of hot alien babe, the reason why geeks like me watched TV. She was a Dabbo Girl which meant she had to be pretty as well as mathematically smart. She was not afraid of a skimpy towel and most importantly, she got hitched to the ugliest guy in space. If a babe like that could get with a guy like Rom, there was hope for all of us!

But one of the things I loved about Leeta, is that she was the original 'Happy Ever After'. Most women in Sci Fi are portrayed as hard nosed and evil do-gooders, or nymphomaniacs who get slaughtered for their promiscuity. However Leeta got her guy(s), survived the war and eventually went on to rule a planet. Where else could man boldly go...

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

To Boldly Go...The Hottest Babes on Star Trek, (The Next Generation) TNG

A generation after the original series, a New Generation of Star Fleet officers took to the screen in order to go where 'no one' had gone before. And no where was this personified more so than on the futuristic bridge where next to the captain sat the beautiful Deanna Troi. Suddenly coming home from school on a Tuesday was something I rushed to do; to catch a glimpse of her in that little green dress (or if the telly decided to forego the watershed, not much). Uhura was the babe of the 60's, but Troi was the babe from my own adolescent years. And she was far more skimpy than anything since - the last vestiges of the hippie era managed to slip in before political correctness took a turn.

But hey, what was the best thing about Troi? It was her empathic abilities. There would be no beating around the bush (excuse the pun) with her. She knew what you felt straight away, so either you took a leap or you did not. And hey, being an empath, there would be less arguments, she knew what would be bugging you. The only thing is that you had to be careful of her, she had a temper! And man, she was an alien! Well, half Betazoid, so there were exotic holidays, funky diets and of course strange and bizarre rituals. Hey, this was the reason why man wanted to traverse the skies. To seek out new, exotic life forms, and nail them. Deanna Troi personified this beautifully. A stunning alien but with an anatomy that would not confuse the average man. And hey, she had that bit of funky 'alieness' that made her that little bit alluring. If I was boldly going where no man had gone before, I was probably a bit late if and when I reached The Counselor, but it would sure be worth the journey...

Oh and the Caution Wet Paint Blog contains a state secret...

Oh, and click click this link to see how much of a trek geek I actually am...

Monday, 13 October 2008

To Boldly Go...The Hottest Babes on Star Trek, (The Original Series) TOS

The swinging sixties. The birth of the sexual revolution and all those hippies who are now today the bosses of the capitalist system. It was also a time when a small space ship drifted gently across the screens and a band of buccaneers led the Enterprise on a daring adventure to boldly go where no man has gone before.

My first 'babe' on this list is not even an alien, such is the sauciness of this particular human. Everyone makes a big fuss about Uhura being the first 'black woman' on tv, but I argue she is more significant than that; she was the first WOMAN on the screen.

Imagine coming home from school in the sixties, switching on the tv and seeing this fit as hell lady o the screen in her skin tight miniskirt and with that sexy-minx-like voice purring away at you. It is enough to make any adolescent swell. And she kept up with the times. In the seventies she was the ultimate in Blaxploitation Cool and in her later years, aged better than her other trek compatriots. While TOS had its fair share of hotties from around the galaxy, it was always Uhura who stood out, week after week and in all six film adventures that she starred in. COmpare this with te rest of the telly shows. She revolutionised the way we guys watched tv. Suddenly, sports were no longer the only distraction in our lives...

And what was her best moment on screen? Well, it simply as to be the Fan Dance in Star Trek V, the best moment of that film. Not even the most hard-hearted alien could resist her charms...


(NOTE: This week, I will probably hemorrhage readers. So for something far more educational, read the CWP Blog.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

To Boldly Go...The Hottest Babes on Star Trek

Okay, for the next week, I will take a complete departure from the normal stance this blog takes. Instead of ranting about X, Y and Z or exposing Caution Wet Paint, I will talk about something that the internet was truly designed for. Now, if you need your fix of Caution Wet Paint, then click HERE for the latest and greatest in the adventures of Jay and Kay.

However, the next week will be dedicated to one subject. A subject that has dominated the internet since its inception.

Who is the Hottest Babe on Star Trek? (We're talking about the character here, not the actress)

Hey, why else would man want to travel in space, except to find new chicks to procreate with? It has been the fantasy of schoolboys and internet geeks since man first looked up at the haze at night (we don't get stars in London).

Now, Star Trek is not just a television series, but an institution. You can star in a television show, but you are immortalised on Star Trek. You live far beyond your natural acting lifespan if you appear in this franchise, such is the loyalty of the fans. Yes, I do like a bit of Star Trek. But I am not here to discuss whether Picard or Kirk was the better captain (hey, it was clearly Sisko – the man became immortal!), but to talk about the lady on the screen that was easy on the eyes and hard on the loins. Join me next week for a true piece of thrilling blogging, where I go where many men have gone before and fantasise about the alien chick I would most like to nail.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

The Comment Box

Once again, thanks to the may readers (all 3) of this blog that continue, either by feed, sub or by clicking onto the main site, to read these words of folly and anguish that has become my blog. Believe it or not, there are over six hundred posts on this blog alone (more, if you count the myspace site.

Blogging can be quite a lonely task. It is me, sitting at my computer, typing away my thoughts and exposing the latest comic gem to emerge from Caution Wet Paint while I save up for a HD Camera. And i know people read it, as when I meet up, they tell me, 'Oh yeah, I saw this and that on your blog the other day'. It is nice to get such feedback, as I do not feel that I am blogging into the vaccum of the net.

However, I still do not get that many comments. It is probably a British thing (after all, the bulk of readers are probably from London). We are scared to expose our views, a little bit shy and reserved. Well, do not be. Leave a comment in the box, tell me what you think. After all, an ego needs massaging...

Oh, and on a final message, thanks for clicking on CWP's Youtube page as we are in the top 100 most viewed this week!

Friday, 10 October 2008

Invest in Iceland!

The real farce is why was TfL, if they had GBP40 Million stashed away in some Icelandic Bank, not spending it on new trains, track or signaling for the Underground network?

It seems farcical, that given the vast sums on money that TfL has at its disposal, that it has taken over five years of continuous weekend shutdowns to in effect make the network worse than it has ever been.

And now we, as a city, have lost a vast sum of money by splashing out on a giant jaccuzi instead of spending it on, er, transport.

Our take on the Icelandic Crisis - CWP Style

Thursday, 9 October 2008

What is the one Question I Avoid?


Maybe I should give some background to this. I was watching one of Barry's videos, and he talks about what question he avoids, namely love. Likewise, I also do not talking about direct emotions. I am quite loud and use my boistrous nature to cover up my failings, but like many people on this planet, I of course am a hopeless romantic and am looking for a wonderful person with which to share my life.

Now, I have the commitment of ice in the middle of summer and I enjoy flash in the pans quite readily. I must admit that once the spark leaves a relationship, I loose interest quickly. My emotional maturity has not progressed beyond that of teenager.

Oh well, I made a video response to Barry's original vid which you can check out:

Watch my response HERE

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Caution Wet Paint: The Milk Crisis...

One a big thank you to all that that took the time to click and view our contribution to VlogsUp. We hit the ton, which is great and is only thanks to your support!


Now, I have gone on about the Credit Crisis a lot. There was the humourous take on the subject and there was my more usual opinonated rant on the subject. However, if you believe that I am just a jealous McWorker standing in the way of progress, then take a little look here at where your taxes will be going.

At these moments all you can do is laugh. And so without further ado, here is CWP's take on the Credit Crisis

Watch 'CWP: The Milk Crisis' by clicking here!

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

VLogs Up (2)

It was a long time ago (somewhere in September) that I managed to meet up with the VlogsUp team in London. Dom, Daniel and Rob were actually doing something productive until I barged in from night duty, mashed up, and gorging myself on sugar, trying to find the best place to grab a burger, numbing the munchines that accompanies a lack of sleep.

Then I was sick and my great piece of home footage was put on the shelf and severely delayed. But there was one advantage to this. While lying, delirious in bed with fever, a brilliant idea came into my head. I decided to set the video to a Country & Western theme.

It was lucky for me that this week's challenge on VlogsUp was to sing. Yey!


Monday, 6 October 2008

Who cares about a Banker?

Monday morning, and we are off to work. Back to the rat race, running just to stay perfectly still. And in the end, no matter how much we try, someone still makes their money while we are scraping together a wage in order to turn on the heating. Especially as the credit crisis begins to bite, it looks like the City will become a place where dreams are broken.

Three years ago, 4,000 workers and their families in the Midlands faced an equally uncertain future. Did their plight gain the same number of column inches? Did government subsidies prop them up? Did anyone worry that a significant part of Britain's manufacturing base was to be decimated forever? And three years later, what has happened to those workers at Rover? How many of them lost their homes, where they able to get new clothes for their children, are they still out of work?

It is hard to feel sorry for bankers, consultants, insurers, in fact anyone who works in the City of London. When times are good, they 'avoid' taxes, buy up property to sub-divide and let out as rabbit hutches and treat ordinary people with a contempt. Hey, how big is your 'bonus'? When times are bad, they cry out about the detrimental effects to the economy and demand government subsidies to prop up their lifestyles. They justify nannies as to look after their children as they do not have the time to spend at home. They justify the third car as 'one needs a spare for France'. They justify spitting on train workers as they were drunk on a Friday night.

Giving subsidies is wrong on so many levels. Firstly, these were the people behind the rationalisations, the consultations, the economy drives in which other people lost their jobs, found their pay froze and generally made more profits for themselves to cream off from other people's misery.

Secondly, the, in simple capitalistic terms, bad businesses should fail. If we support bad business practice, then it gives free rein for all of these institutions to make cash out of nothing, safe in the knowledge that the taxpayer would save them from bankruptcy.

Thirdly, the sums that we are dropping into the system means that we are mortgaging not just our taxes, but also our children's. Ultimately we are building up a ticking time bomb of problems.

On a personal level, these people deserve nothing but a kick in the teeth. Financially, I am not bothered if the system collapses. My job is about as safe as it gets in this day and age (means nothing), I have no debts and no savings/investments/pension/property/career. Essentially I am out of the system and so do not care about it. As a principle however, these institutions should not be subsidised. Bad business should fail, debts need to be paid back and this country has over borrowed. We need prices to come down and the only way this will happen will be through mass bankruptcies and an end to the ludicrous buy-to-let mania so that the public at large can actually afford to live in this country. Also, how much are we prepared to subsidise these bad loans. Are we ultimately willing to take on GBP1.4 Trillion of debt that this country owes? Because that is the ultimate price that we would have to pay.

Oh well, the great con trick continues...

Sunday, 5 October 2008

Is Boris actually Good for London?

In what has turned into a highly political bit of blogging for me, I ask the question, 'Is Boris Good for London?'

What, shock horror, me ask that? Well, sure. After all the piccaninnies that live in this fair city that must have voted for him, has he done a good job for London. Well, let us start the good...

Firing Sir Ian Blair: This is a particularly good move. I know that Boris is just wielding his political stick, but thankfully it is in the right direction. Who he wants in the top spot however will be an interesting choice. Will it be someone who serves Londoners or someone who serves government?

Getting Rid of the Bendy Bus: Mostly good. Other than routes 507 and 521 which really need the bendies, it would be great to see them off the streets of London. I just hope they actually increase the frequency of those routes that will be double decked.

Cycling: Cheaper than putting in a new tube lines, expanding roads or reusing bendy buses. Thankfully a cycle happy mayor means that we are more likely to see better facilities for us guys on two wheels.

Keeping the Cost of the Olympics Down: It probably won't happen, but it is nice to hear some rhetoric about keeping the budget for 2012 under control, now that we are in a recession...

Increasing the wage for the lowest Paid Workers: Yeah, I was shocked by this, but he did do it!

Increasing suburban express bus services: Another transport topic, but particularly good for us South Londoners, the X26 is being doubled in frequency. Woop-woop!


And some of the bad...

Rescinding the Kengestion Charge: Although this is 'under consultation', this is definitely a shoe-in. A bad move.

Allowing the Elderly Freedom Pass to be 24/7: I may be treading in hot water with this one, but this is a big mistake. Expect rush hour journeys to be much slower as driver's cater for the needs of OAP's. Also expect your journey to get much more crowded...a populist move that is ill thought out.

Reintroducing the Routemaster: The big reason why that beloved icon of London was disposed is that TFL did not want to see the headline, 'Conductor Stabbed for £2 fare' splashed all over the Evening Standard. Such is the sorry state of London today. It wss nothing to do with the DDA or the fact that the Routemasters were too small. It is simply the reality that is inadequate policing and sh**ty kids. And the 'competition' to design a new bus is a complete waste of money.


Well, on balance, Boris seems to be doing a good job so far. Scoring political kudos for dumping Ian Blair like a bad date put a huge grin on my face, something I never expected Boris to do. He is playing to the populist wind however, and that seems to be his biggest problems to date.

Compared to Ken's first years, he is not as revolutionary nor are his ideas as bold, but compared to Ken's latter years, Boris is a breath of fresh air...

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Ian Blair - Good bye and F-Off, you bastard

So Sir Ian Blair has finally resigned from the the Metropolitan Police. Not because he presided over trigger happy policing that lost the entire support of London after July 7th, nor due to the fact that he got personally embroiled in a race war within the MET or even because he claimed Haringey was so safe that the locals ket their doors unlocked.

Nope, he left, because Boris and he had a tiff

Now, there has been howls in the press and blogs about how Uncle B's actions were unlawful and how he stepped over his mark. Sod that, as taxpayers, Londoners should have the right to choose who is going to shoot us point blank in the head. After all, we are the primary tax payers for this farce, sorry, force. The howling by the press, methinks, is a little too loud. Boris (and you can quote me on this), did the right thing by removing his support for Blair. Who he is going to 'support' as the next commissioner will be interesting.

(Incidentally, there are more police officers in London then there are bus drivers, but you never see a copper unless it is a speed trap on a sunny weekend morning. Could also explain why there is never a bus when you need one.)

On paper Sir Ian Blair looked like a good choice for commissioner. He seemed dedicated to eradicating racism from the MET (something very necessary after Stephen Lawrence), and unlike many of the coppers in the past, seemed to have a more compassionate approach to plodding. But ultimately, he is a police officer and any hopes of a sea change in the MET was brutally shot down in Stockwell tube station. The fact that under his watch he allowed police officers to shoot first and ask questions later, was simply an order only fit for the very best countries of the world such as Iran, Sri Lanka and Sudan. The unwavering support of Livingstone was disgusting and was the reason why I am glad he was ousted from the mayoralty. You can see my angry arguments against the MET's justification for point blank fun HERE.

The bottom line is this. Sir Ian Blair did not police for London, he policed for Central Government. The Metropolitan Police Force is possibly the most hated institution in this city, commanding zero respect from many of the citizens of London. If a crime occurs, they take their time, but they are swarming like bees when their tea break calls. They are arrogant, drive like maniacs and in effect have a licence to kill us all. Personally, I have never had that much of a problem with the rank and file officers. If ever I have had to use them, they do what they have to do, with the enthusiasm of a child tackling his/her greens. I know their job is abusive and they are basically there to mop up the s**t of this city, but that is what they signed up to. Essentially, police officers are far too keen to exercise their power rather than actually police the streets. Oh, by the way, the PCSO's while completely useless, are great fun!

How effective and more reassuring would it be to see police officers walk and cycle through neighbourhoods instead of speed around in cars with tinted windscreens? How much more good would it be if there were easy access to police officers, to talk to them and so they could actually interact with the community rather than have swarms of boys off to have some fun in a pig wagon. And wouldn't it be nice if they actually obeyed the law they are here to enforce? Example, no skipping traffic lights or parking in marked bays instead of hoofing their cars on the pavement in order to get some fried chicken.

Unfortunately, the MET police commissioner is not there to serve London (although that is his job) but to look good on the TV when a bomb blows up or when another raid on a mosque occurs. Terrorism would be better prevented by a bottom up approach, by involving people of all backgrounds in the wider community. Of course, this is more of a pipe dream than me becoming a film maker. So with our current sledgehammer to nut method of policing, our next commissioner will continue along the same lines and the circle of degeneration within the MET will increase.

Policing ultimately requires the consensus of the people who are being policed. The image of the MET today is one of a bunch of unruly thugs on good pay, unable to be sacked for incompetence and looking forward to a generous handout when they retire. The people of London do not feel protected by this now gun-toting, free wheeling bunch of hooligans who can protect Whitehall with pinpoint accuracy but let innocent Londoners get stabbed on the suburbs' streets. The MET police does not have the consent of the people they are there to protect. It is up to the police force to gain that consent, to gain that trust. It will take someone visionary to really make the MET a respected part of London again. About as likely as a decent tube service.

Friday, 3 October 2008

100 Webisodes?

Caution Wet Paint has been a strange journey for me. On a personal level, it is very different from the material I normally come out with. Instead of being dark, violent and filled with visions of death and torture, The Paint is pretty childish.

I will give a little history to CWP, why I started it and why I continue with it still, particularly on the internet. Regular readers know that I wanted to create a movie with a Big Bollywood song about the joys of Milk, a Pizza Delivery guy proficient in Kung-Fu and a Kiss on a Rooftop overlooking the gleaming metropolis known as London.

But there is also another challenge I set myself. I wanted to do a movie with no swearing, no gratuitous sex and no overt violence. Something that kids would love and that adults could enjoy. As I have already mentioned, the majority of material that I produce is actually pretty sadistic. Check here to confirm the state of my mind.

But I love The Paint, it's fun and surprisingly it has been my most successful project to date, despite the fact that it has often received the least backing and resources.


So Webisode 100. And yes, this has been a toughie. The reason for being on the internet is simple - it is an accident. Not having HD equipment pretty much excludes me from the cinematic club (until this winter) and so to keep the idea of CWP alive I shot for the net. It has slowly grown online and while not yet cult, we're getting there...

So what was number 100 going to be? Well, I do not want to hype it up and unfortunately for El M it is a cut and paste job rather than new footage (that should be coming out mid-October) - hey, this is the credit crunch, I got to recycle! But, I decided (to the best of my ability) to base it on one of the best films in the last ten years, Run Lola Run!

For the information of my readers, German CInema is highly underrated! Germany is probably one of the most creative countries in Europe and the host of original ideas that come from this powerhouse of culture is astounding!

But for now, a little bit of London life with Run Kay Run! - CLICK HERE TO WATCH

Thursday, 2 October 2008

C U Next Tuesday!

So what if he didn't call? It doesn't matter! I still have my 'Slop in the City' box set, a tub of ice cream in the Freezer (made with real milk for Calcium!) and my Gummy-Choo Shoes that would have cost me seven hundred pounds, but there was a buy one, get one free moment in the shops, and I just could not resist. And come on, I can extend that overdraft just a wee bit more. A girl needs to be happy these days and there is an advantage to the credit crunch - cheaper shoes!

Oh, so anyway, I was out last Saturday in a South London Suburb when I ran to get the Nightbus. That Wanker driver actually let me on and so with a kebab in one hand and a glass on wine in the other (one must not waste in these times) I managed to slide my way to the luggage rack, where I bumped into this marvelous boy. He was quite my type, Blonde, 5ft 10in. Marvelous voice, said he was a banker - what a fantastic career and we got on marvelously. I charmed him with my kebab while he was munching away on a beef burger. Oooh, I love a beefy man, hehe! But enough girl power, there and then I got his number and he mine! Bliss, or so I thought...

But men, they are all the same. They call you one day and then the next, *burp*, oh excuse me, that must have been the beer, it went down a bit funny, but anyway, oh, how did you like my Shepherds Pie? I got it at the local supermarket, only GBP2.99! Amazing what you get nowadays for under a fiver and I also got this four pack of economy strength larger, but I think that is what's giving me gas.

Oh, so they are all the same. Men that is. Seriously, I think we should give up and look for sperm donors. But anyway, I was getting coffee today and this Polish cow behind the till just didn't understand the language. Sure, she maybe pretty and feminine in her ways, but I am a strong career woman, I have a better credit card than she does (she probably does not have a credit card - ha - fool) and after five pints, I look damn good! But yeah, you think that Starcocks would employ someone who can speak English. I needed my third cup of coffee, why didn't she hurry up! Hey, if you're dumb, you deserve minimum wage and they are damn lucky at their pay increase! I have not got an increase and I work so hard at the office in HR. I mean, it is end of the month, there is so much to do!

Oh, you would not believe who I saw today at the office. Josh! That's right, he's back after his trip to, where was that place, Guatemala? I don't know, somewhere in Africa. Anyway, he looked so skinny, oh, he has lost all his muscles, I mean that was the only thing Josh was good for. That and the fact he knew how to work a computer. Oh, do you like this, it is my new Pearintosh computer, only six hundred at FU World, a bargain! Already a week, and I have a nice socket where I can download all my favourite songs onto my purple fPod!

Oh, the bliss of a girl's life...


*CMD's Note - This is not parody. This is real life. The things I hear on a Nightbus...*

Wednesday, 1 October 2008


From eight hours, to seven and even six, the modern day human is loosing sleep faster than a stock exchange after votes in Parliament. A few years back, it was discovered that individuals who slept for less, lived longer. But like eating boiled cabbages and using a runing machine, is sleeping less actually good for the soul. Yes, we may live longer, but it would be an exhausted existence, dripping by through the day, looking forward to drop into bed at the anointed time and place.

Have you noticed that many people today feel 'exhausted'. Well, it's a lack of decent food and of course a lack of stimulation mental and physical and also a lack of god sleep.

Sleep, it is something that I have caught up on in the last two weeks. Much needed after the hedonistic lifestyle I lead. And you know what, I have enjoyed it...