Tuesday, 15 February 2011

On the Pull (1) - Go to Church in Poland!

Click here to find out what us Brits mean by Pulling

Oh, and if you are offended by an idiots ramblings, then do not read further ;)

The serious blogging about Poland and Berlin begins tomorrow...


Ah, what a better way to start my blogging about my recent travels in Europe, then to talk about the absolutely beautiful Laski that reside there...I went to a stunning country, lady wise.

Let me explain.

Poland, a complete unknown to us Brits until that golden year, 2004 when suddenly there were loads, and loads of really beautiful women coming to seek work in London. One of the Blair government's greatest decisions for single guys like me was to allow the new EU countries unfettered access to our labour markets. Yeah baby...you see, before 2004, previous EU expansions included places such as Austria. Mmm, a country not really renowned for their beauty.

But Poland (along with other beautiful countries such as Malta, Estonia and Cyprus to name a few) joined the fun of the European Union and suddenly it was hey hey.

This is the stunning Krakow Cathedral, at the bottom of the street.

Try the 6.30pm mass. As a bad Catholic, I decided to go to church...to confess my sins...all of them...lots of them...I have been a very bad boy...

Anyway, so I went to church and sat down and prayed. Then I began to look around and notice. OMG!

Loads of women. Really, I mean it. This is not like in the UK where most of the attendees of churches are the elderly or young pushy parents who want to get their kid into the local (good) Catholic school. No, we are talking about (beautiful) women, around my age, unaccompanied by men, or parents and not wearing any wedding or engagement rings. In other words, outwardly looking single women.

Yeah baby.

Oh, and the numbers are in our favour guys. My unscientific observation saw that around 75% were women and a third of them were most definitely eligible babes.

Sorry, I was at church. Then comes the Sign of Peace - the moment to make eye contact.

All right, this blog post is about how to pull (and considering I was in Poland) how to pull in Poland. Here is my advice:

1) Go to mass.

You've got the time, 6.30pm on a Sunday evening. It does not matter about the language, just go. Arrive five minutes early. It gives you a chance to find a place to sit down. On a pew where there are many other devout looking ladies looking really pretty, I mean, devout.

2) Sit through the service.

Hard at anytime, but in a language you do not understand. Just grin and bear it. Look around and admire the pretty girls, I mean, architecture of the building.

3) The sign of peace.

The point in the Catholic service where you shake hands with the parishioners surrounding you. Complete strangers, but this moment is key. Shake hands with every available girl you can meet. The Polish are quite reserved (some may say cold hearted Ice Queens) so this is a great time to show that you are a buffoon of a foreigner by yanking everyone's hand off, while maintaining that all important bit of eye contact.

4) Pray

You have been naughty. Pray.

5) The mass has ended. Go in peace...

...and conquer! Once outside, wrap up warm, look lost, then find the lady who you impressed with your hand shaking skills and charming piece of eye contact. Act the fool, and pretend you are really lost. Be nice, and respectful, this is Poland, not England. These ladies are feisty, in a painful way. And ask the question:

I am awfully sorry, but do you know how to get to the Pope's window?

You hope she speaks English, but a Polish girl between 25-35 should have some knowledge of our uncouth tongue.

Now this is the vital bit. I hope you chose wisely. More importantly, the girl would have chosen you well beforehand, and hoped that you were going to ask her something. She may react something like this.

Oh, it is just a five minute walk away.

And proceed to give you instructions. Play the fool. Look confused, but charming. She will then give up and either walk away from you, or, be kind enough to show you.

6) You've got this far...

...well done. She must really like you. Or feel really sorry for you. The Pope's Window is a few minutes walk from Krakow Cathedral and so if she decides to show you, then you have five minutes where you can try to impress her. You can start by reading about the Pope's Window. It looks something like this.

Anyway, you have a five minute walk where you can chat and well, see if you have really impressed her. And then, well, I hope you have a long stay in Krakow. Polish women are hard work!



1 - Charlie is lousy at pulling.
2 - You go to church to pray, damn you, not to check out women!
3 - The advice here borders on harassment. In many jurisdictions, you can get arrested for this stuff.
4 - Do you really want to listen to Charlie's advice? Think about it.
5 - Polish Women are beautiful and not cold hearted. They are just the words of a bitter blogger who is no good at pulling.
6 - Fact: Polish Girls really do look good. All the more surprising when you find out what they eat...
7 - Like any other nation you get your ladies who like to have a good time and those who do not. But guys, the Brits have a really bad reputation in Poland as drunken f**kwits who harass the local women. We are swimming against the tide here...
8 - So behave when you are around them. BEHAVE!
9 - I swear the number of women in church sooo outnumbered the guys. Why bother competing in a club, when all it takes is a small offering during the collection to say 'hi'?

1 comment:

magiceye said...

pull baby pull....!!!! :)