Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Corporate Speak

You've been on the receiving end of corporate speak, the way to fire up your workforce, and inspire enthusiasm in them, without actually trying to pay them. It's the oldest trick in the book, pat the dog on the head in the hope that they will work longer, harder and faster for even less pay. Some classic examples of corporate speak include:

This is a new client that we have not supplied before!

(This is our payday - do not f**k it up for us!)

We think you will be a really good ambassador for Plov Enterprises Ltd!

(We are desparate, you are the last person available...)

They expect you to appear at 7am and to report to Mr. Smith

(Wait that's not the worst bit of the terms and conditions...)

You will be expected to XXX, YYY and ZZZ. Please turn up well presented to the premises.

(And also sell your soul to the devil.)

The rate of pay will be £6.75 an hour

(Yes, we pay you so little that the profit you make will barely cover your fuel costs!)

Let us be blunt here, many of us have been on the receiving end of such emails, but this is the first time that anyone has put such a low wage to me. And really, I do work for peanuts, but this is taking the mickey.

Enjoy your corporate foibles for the day!