So to continue from yesterday, this sums up 2011 so far.
Artistic Filming - Fail.
Money - Good.
Simple as that. So to be blunt, I am moaning not about the amount of money I have or my finances but just about my life.
Which is a pretty good position to be in, I know that.
But that is exactly it, I want more.
Now two days ago, I asked myself, am I enjoying what I am doing. And the answer is no.
So if not, why am I doing this in the first place.
Maybe I should qualify that answer.
First of all, I should state that while I have enjoyed making films over the past year, I have not done it with any love.
Over the past year I have collaborated on short films, competition films, written scripts and now I am editing a documentary. While I have had a lot of fun, the ultimate is that I have not enjoyed it.
Well, you see, I have been playing that old cat and mouse game. Where I am trying to second guess the festivals and think what they want.
And so, while I have been making great and wonderful films, I have not enjoyed making them as much as I should have.
And I think this has been a mistake.
A big one, obviously, as 2011 has artistically failed.
So what next?
Well obviously I am not going to continue down the same path - it is utter futility after all.
So that means, after Amigos is edited and finished this year, I will have a completely clean slate. No more films are being made by me, there is nothing in the pipeline...
Good. I want to be in that position.
I want 2011 to be the final year that I have to do certain things.
After all, I came into film making because I want to do it, not because I have to.
And I think my skills both technically and artistically are at a mature stage. Not perfect, nowhere near, but have markedly improved since my first steps all those years ago on the film making path.
And my mistake for 2011 (or maybe a mistake by necessity) is that I made films, not for myself, but for an arbitrary group of people I have never met.
There is also another thing. I have lost my connection to those films themselves. Time, bitterness and a complete lack of interest has meant that 2011 has been a year that I have barely been to the cinema. In fact, I would have been on a plane more times this year than I have actually entered a cinema.
That, is not a good situation for a film maker to be in. If I am not watching or enjoying films, then what am I bothering with all of this hassle for.
I have lost focus.
And that is a very bad position to be in.
Part of that is due to the fact that I am fed up of rejection.
But I only got myself to blame.
I did not want an ordinary life - which would have been so much more simple.
I wanted this, a more interesting life.
I wanted life.
So what next is up my sleeve.
First, definitely finish Amigos Amigos. Whether or not it gets a good festival run, on a personal level I just hate leaving things unfinished.
And once that is done, I will no longer do any project unless I really want to do it.
And the only things I want to do is to make feature films.
It is as simple as that.
While I have had a lot of fun with short films, documentaries, competitions, internet webisodes, the bottom line is that these are not outlets that are going to get me anywhere.
Also, for a film maker, this is basically w**k fodder. Yeah, providing immediate gratification, but nothing of substance that I can look back on.
And second, I need to go to the cinema. Regularly.
So my mission for 2012. Simple.
Make a feature film. I have already started to talking to people about it and next week, when I head to Poland, I will be talking to more people to see if the possibilities to make and more importantly distribute the film exist.
Distribution is key.
But second, I am going to reverse the appalling lack of cinema visits this year.
Once a month, without fail, I am off to the cinema.
But I need something to motivate this.
Oh yes dear blog. This is where you come in.
A year ago I finished one series - Crossings of the River Thames, where once a month I went out into London and took in a crossing over the city's river. It got me got of the house, got my head up from the computer and made me sane.
I need to do that again
So from December I will be doing the Repertory Cinemas of London. There's a partial list of them here and here. But to be honest, this is going to be a mission, a big list. I will set out the rules when I get back from Poland.
Expect some new blog spots in the not-too-distant future, more of them cinematically related and finally this web page may live up to the title of The Blog of El Director. Oh yes, there will be a lot more blogging on films, seeing them and making them from me. It is time to get my mojo back...